I take perverse satisfaction in growing old. Once you’ve got your gray hair and a few age spots, you can tell gullible citizens almost anything and they’ll believe you. When anyone asks me, “What do you do,” I like answering, “I outlive [expletives]. Most people just stare at their shoes, but a few take the chum. They smile and agree that our country harbors far more [expletives] than it needs. They say, “You’re right. Somebody ought to do something.” Those folks, I invite to join me in my crusade against [expletives]. No dues, no meetings, just the time and patience required to select some [expletives] of your own and outlive them. Outliving even a few of these [expletive] warthogs gives me a sense of purpose. It can do the same for you.
Before I pass along some tips and observations about outliving [expletives], I should explain that I’m using brackets and the word “expletive” because I am not a Congressional Democrat, a species that can’t converse without spewing profanity like a barefoot man learning why folks don’t like fire ants. I prefer not to use profanity in a family newspaper, but you’re quite able to fill the spaces between brackets with the intended expletives.
Returning to outliving, be assured that you qualify. We who outlive [expletives] are not elitists who can’t tell an [expletive] from a jelly doughnut. We are ordinary men and women who drink Budweiser and eat breakfast at Waffle House. Hardworking homebodies who send the children off to bed before we watch Ron White or Larry the Cable Guy. Most of all, we [expletive] hunters are non-violent, and not just because ammo prices are higher than the cashier lady at a cannabis clinic.
Let me begin with some thoughts on finding [expletives] to outlive. They’re camouflaged but infect much of academia, advertising, entertainment, food service, medicine, the military, politics, sports, travel, unicorn owners, and zookeeping. I have participated in all those fields, save for zookeeping and unicorn ownership. In the cause of transparency, I admit to earning my “medicine” creds by spending two weeks as Health Lodge supervisor at Camp Kickapoo. The unicorn appears on the list just to show that I’m a warm, caring human being.
Here are three examples from my personal successes at outliving [expletives]. There was the electrician (1990) who turned out not to know Jack [Expletive] about thermostats. And the insurance agent who [expletived] up my household policy before Hurricane Katrina (2004). The worst [expletive] was the [expletive] FEMA woman (also 2004) who wanted me to spend years living in my [expletive] driveway in a [expletive] house trailer instead of bulldozing my [expletive] house. She’s not yet outlived but sure as [expletive] isn’t forgotten.
Among deserving [expletives] I’ve outlived are Saddam Hussein, Charles Manson, and O. J. Simpson. All famous of course, but that’s not the point. Outliving [expletives] is, by definition, passive. I outlived those criminals on principle, not because they were notorious but because they were [expletives]. They are no longer with us. I am. I outlived them. End of story.
[Expletives] can be put aside for future attention. A few that I am in the process of outliving and have under surveillance include actor Alec Baldwin, pardoned artist Hunter Biden, and the embarrassing US Senator Adam Schiff. It’s possible this lot will escape being outlived by an 87-year-old, but I’m confident my younger associates will step up.
This brings us to behavioral traits that identify [expletives] at the local level, which is a good place to start your career. There’s no foolproof way to identify an [expletive], but the species often self-identifies by its [expletive] behavior: loud talk, hanging out with other [expletives], never picking up a check, cheating at golf, wearing a fake Rolex, or defending some [expletive] politician who ought to be hanging by his thumbs.
Usually, spotting an [expletive] requires only common sense and judgment. Most of us are born with the ability to separate [expletives] from the crowd. Consider this story of a drunk patron at a local bar. Overserved, he rose unsteadily to proclaim, “All leftwing activists are flaming [expletives]!” A scruffy young man sitting alone at a nearby table rose and shouted, “I object to that statement!” The drunk, still wobbling, asked the man, “Sir, are you a leftwing activist?
“No,” said the man, “I’m a flaming [expletive]!”
William Jeanes is a recovering Northsider.
