Last week’s column resulted from my investigation into the various types of talkers who may assault you at a typical social gathering.
If you read it and can remember it (which is less likely the farther past age 60 you are), you’ll recall my lament that so few people carry on actual conversations with each other anymore. Maybe it’s the crazy pace at which we live, but fewer and fewer folks seem willing to slow down and get involved in a meaningful two-way exchange of ideas these days. Instead, they simply aim their mouths toward others’ ears and let fly.
They are talking, but they are not conversing because it isn’t their goal to involve you in this chin wag. They just need your ears for a few minutes. They can often be found moving from person to person in a room, saying the same thing to everyone they can get to listen to them. Of course, they are not listening to these people either, just spinning the same tale over and over.
In that column I warned you against getting caught by The Bore, The Mummy, The Me-Me, or The Proud Grandparent. This week we’ll examine five more conversationalists to avoid.
The first type is Helpful Harry, the Sentence Finisher. Harry is obviously too impatient to hear your story all the way through, so he finishes it for you.
YOU: So I told my boss....
HARRY: What he could do with his job?
YOU: Uh, no, I was ....
HARRY: Looking for a new job the next day, eh? Well, I don’t blame you! You don’t have to take that from him!
Harry’s next-of-kin is Ray Reminder. Anything you say reminds Ray of something that happened to him, someone he knows, some place he’s been. Instead of responding to your comments, he tells you a story, usually one that has nothing to do with what you said — because what he remembers is way more interesting than your little tale.
YOU: (Grasping your chest) OH! I think I’m having a heart attack!
RAY: That reminds me of a guy I knew at work that had a heart attack. One minute I was telling him he reminded me of a guy I knew, and the next minute— boom! He hits the floor!
Then Ray totally forgets that he was talking to you and goes off to tell his story to someone else, since you seem to have stopped listening and started moaning. You’ll have to have that myocardial infarction by yourself. He needs to work the room.
Another talker I’m leery of is The Topper. Whatever you say to him, he can top it. Most of his responses to your remarks begin with “That’s nothin’! Wait ‘til you hear what I did!” His other comebacks are (a) “Wait ‘til you hear what happened to me! (b) “Wait ‘til you hear how sick I was!” or (c) “Wait ‘til you hear about the deal I got!”
I also hope you don’t get stuck with The Reluctant Gossip. She’s the one who sidles over to you and whispers, “I really shouldn’t say this, and you have to promise not to say a word to anyone else about it, and I wouldn’t tell anyone else what I’m about to tell you, but. . . .” And then she proceeds to tell you the same thing she has told everyone else in the room. Don’t bother spreading it yourself to anyone else. It’s old news by now.
You just have to hope she doesn’t hear Harry The Sentence Finisher’s version of your conversation with your boss. She really wouldn’t mean to gossip about you, but she did hear Harry say that you had insulted your boss and gotten fired— at least she thinks he said that— and surely there’s someone else in the room who needs to know it. Why, she’s doing everyone a favor by spreading your sad story!
Finally, you may encounter The Lame and The Maimed. There’s one at every party. All she needs you to do is ask, “How are you?” and she’s off and running. Well, maybe off and limping.
She hates to complain, but to tell you the truth, she feels turrible, just turrible! The doctors are plumb bumfuzzled about her condition. They’re all a bunch of idiots. That medicine they prescribed doesn’t agree with her — “makes me gassy!” and the last four surgeries haven’t helped, but you need to hear all the details anyway. And do you want to see her scar?
“It ain’t healed good yet, and girrrl, it’s a whopper! Just you look at this thang!”
Then her shirt comes up.
If you aren’t running for the exit by now, you should be.
And if you’re smart, you won’t stop running until you reach home, where at least you can talk to yourself without being interrupted, you’ll have a caring and intelligent listener, and you don’t have to look at anybody’s “turrible” scars.
