When I taught American literature many years ago, I always tried to touch on the little book Benjamin Franklin started in his print shop. He called it Poor Richard’s Almanack.
It was the typical farmer’s almanac, full of facts about crops and weather that farmers would need for planting and harvesting at the right time. But to make it sell better, Franklin salted the practical information with little proverbs and sayings.
It sold like hotcakes to farmers and to people who liked his proverbs even better than the weather information. It is said, however, that Franklin didn’t really write all of the popular proverbs himself. He allegedly stole some of them from other writers.
In addition to being a literary felon, Franklin misspelled almanac, but folks weren’t such sticklers for correct spelling in the 18th century. . . and maybe not in the 21st century either, judging from some of the texts I get.
In his autobiography, Franklin writes about his pleasure in hearing the words of “his” proverbs (not really his, remember) coming out of the mouths of people he passed on the streets of Philadelphia.
He said, “This gave me some Satisfaction, as it showed not only that my Instructions were regarded, but discovered likewise some Respect for my Authority.” (Capitalization was not Ben’s best subject either.)
Why can’t I write a modern almanac like his that would sell like hotcakes? I can write a column (the jury is still out on its quality, but I don’t steal my ideas), so how hard could an Almanack be? When it became popular, wouldn’t it be fun to hear my own Sayings coming out of the Mouths of the People I meet right here in Simpson County?
I’ll just make up the weather information, which is what the TV forecasters do. Then I could add some proverbs borrowed from Franklin, since he didn’t mind stealing them in the first place. But I would try to make his pithy advice more relevant for today’s reader.
For example, that famous proverb about taking a stitch in time could be expressed this way. “A stitch in time saves nine. It also saves showing up at work with an embarrassing hole in your pants. Nobody wants to see your Fruit of the Looms.”
And speaking of underwear, I could borrow Ben’s proverb “Good fences make good neighbors.” I would add, “They also make a good place to hang out your Fruit of the Looms to dry. And you’ll save on your energy bill.”
Everybody knows this proverb, but I’d change it a bit to fit the times: “The early bird gets the worm.”
My version of that proverb that my mother used to quote to me every morning of my young life would be this: “The early bird gets the worm. Which is fine if you like the taste of worms. The late bird gets the cinnamon roll because he decided to wait in the line at the bakery on the way to work. But if you really want to brown nose the boss by being the first bird at work, skip the cinnamon roll and eat the worm. If you can keep it down, the protein is good for you.”
I know my version is longer, but I think readers would profit from my added insights into the pros and cons of worm eating.
In his Almanack of 1733, Franklin wrote, “God helps them that help themselves.” Actually, God never tells us to help ourselves before asking for His help. Despite what he says in that proverb, Franklin’s comments on religion in his other writings show him to be a deist rather than a Christian so his advice about life must be taken with a grain of salt.
Anyway, my version would go like this: “God prefers that you ask His help before you do something stupid and get yourself into big trouble that He will let you struggle a long time to get out of, so that next time you’ll remember not to help yourself before asking for His help.”
Another of Franklin’s proverbs was “Keep your nose to the grindstone.” I’m not sure what that means, since I assume Franklin didn’t advocate nose grinding. But my revised proverb would suggest ... “Keep your nose to the grindstone, but keep your plastic surgeon’s number handy. Dial it if bleeding occurs.”
Without that warning, I might get sued by some bozo who had a limited understanding of consequences and scraped half his nose off based on my advice.
Franklin also said, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” I would add, “A bird in the hand is also worth a handful of bird poop.” This I know for a fact from some unfortunate personal experiences with a canary.
With inflation at record levels, I would have to charge a little more for Donna’s Farmer’s Almanac and Words of Wisdom than Franklin charged for his little booklet in 1730, which cost about a penny, I think. But mine will be worth its inflated price.
If you don’t have the cash, just go down to the bank and borrow it. Even doing that will be instructive. As Ben said, “If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” And I would just add, “Amen.”
