I loved reading the advice columns back when papers carried them, and I’ve always wanted to write one. How hard could it be? I could give myself a cool advice column name, like “Ann Slanders,” and solve people’s problems.
The letters to Ms. Slanders would start pouring in! I can see it now!
One area on which I know enough to advise people is horticulture. I could be the next Felder Rushing! Here’s a sample of my wise advice to gardeners:
“Dear Ms. Slanders, How can I get my plants to grow? My petunias don’t look so good.
Wilted in Waveland”
“Dear Wilted,
Pour water on them. Command them to ‘grow or else!’ Follow that up by walking around the patch once a week with a pair of long, sharp shears in your hand. Whisper, ‘You wanna live here? I’d suggest you grow.’ My own petunias look great.
Ann S.”
Everyone has relationship issues from time to time. Here’s a sample of how I would advise a troubled mom:
“Dear Ann,
My 37-year-old son moved back in with me after college graduation 15 years ago. He won’t work because he says his bosses don’t understand him. I do his laundry, clean his room, cook his meals, and provide his spending money. Now he says that if I don’t buy him a big flat-screen TV, he’s going to move out and leave me. I don’t want to live alone, but my Social Security check won’t stretch for a new TV. What can I do?
Penniless Mom in Pearl”
“Dear Mom,
This is an easy one. Dump his dirty laundry in the car I’m sure you’ve bought him, padlock his room, burn his lasagna and cut up his credit card. He will see that someone finally does “understand” him, and he will move out. Then adopt a cat.
Your savvy pal, Ann”
Everyone is so health conscious today that I know my advice on health would be a hit too — like this:
“Dear Ann,
I’ve been drinking diet sodas to help me lose some weight, but I heard that diet drinks can be harmful to the brain. Is that true?
Tubby in Tupelo”
“Dear Tubby,
“Sure. Research tells us that diet soda has ingredients in it that could harm brain cells if consumed in great volume. But I certainly wouldn’t give up my diet soda in these times.
“If you watch the news, you know that anyone with a functioning brain is going to be pretty useless in the future. AI will do our thinking for us. Democrats have asked us to believe for the last four years that being flooded by illegal immigrants, hiring people based only on race and gender, defunding police, freeing criminals and enticing children into sex change surgeries would improve our lives. And anybody who pointed out the idiocy of these policy makers was ‘playing the race card, playing the gender card, playing the religion card or playing the smarty pants card.’
“Hopefully Trump will change things after his inauguration, but if the Democrats return in 2028, the less your brain functions by then the more popular and well-adjusted you’re going to be. So my advice is to watch the political scene, and if you see the Democrats emerging in 2027, start drinking that diet soda by the gallon. If that doesn’t dumb you down, sniff glue or bang your head against a wall. Then you’ll smart enough for another Democratic government.
Your friend, Ann”
I might also start a financial column that would go like this:
“Dear Ann Slanders,
I’m working for a few years after high school to save money for college. What’s the best way to do that?
Saver in SoSo”
“Dear Saver,
Uncle Sam is no fan of savers. If you’re saving, you are probably going to lose it all when it’s commandeers to rebuild California. If Trump doesn’t reverse Joe Biden’s promise to pay ALL the cost of fire damage in Los Angeles, that is.
Your best bet is to spend everything you’ve saved (maybe on diet soda and glue), then, take out a huge student loan to go to college and pray that Kamala Harris is elected president in 2029. She’ll cancel your loan and turn it over to tax-payers to cover. Then you can get a good job free of the obligation to pay back anything.
If you can’t get a job with that degree in General Studies, don’t worry. At least you will have developed self-esteem from knowing that you helped your college funnel all that ‘federal’ (Translation: ‘taxpayers’) money into building a new football stadium at your alma mater, and you will have kept all those college teachers of remedial math, reading and writing employed.
Your financial friend, Ann”
You can see how good I am at this. I’d be happy to share all this stuff I know with the American public — and even stuff I don’t know!
Start those letters coming, folks! I’m anxious to help you!
