As quiet as it is now, you may not guess it, but January is the most dangerous month of the year.
If you’re going to die, statistics say that this is the month you’re most likely to do it. More people die in January than in any other month. For some reason, those near death often hold on through Christmas— maybe to get their gifts— and die in this first month of the year.
But January presents us with ample opportunity to die even if we felt fine during December.
For one reason, it’s deer season. I heard gunshots in my neighborhood out in the woods today as hunters blasted away at anything that moved. I could get shot just letting my dogs out or making a trip to the mailbox to look for my Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes letter!
In a cruel animal irony, Deer Hunting Season is also Deer Mating Season.
So Joe Buck isn’t one bit concerned about your safety or your windshield when he dashes across the road in front of your car following a whiff of Jane Doe’s tantalizing perfume. He just knows the woods are full of hunters and if he wants to get his romance on this January, he’d better hop to it.
This month is also peak flu season, as many of you can attest. I feel sorry for all of you who are coughing and aching and hoping you do die in January.
I feel even sorrier for the poor healthcare workers who have to deal with waiting rooms full of people who are coughing and aching and wishing they were dead, who should have stayed at home and let the doctor call something in.
Many of the other dangers of January come from those New Year’s resolutions people made, especially if their vows were health-related.
Everyone except me is now on a diet, so I could starve to death at a party where the chubby hostess is only serving carrots. Or I could choke on raw broccoli. I’m planning to be anti-social until March, when real food with grease in it will come back into fashion.
Smokers who resolved to quit puffing in 2024 are on their last frayed nerve right about now. The potential for mass murder lurks in those twitching fingers. My advice: don’t get between a former smoker and a Marlborough any time soon. And I wouldn’t stand around in the nicotine patch section of the drugstore either.
One of the greatest health resolution-related dangers in January is the person who has vowed to begin exercising.
In addition to the dangers from Joe Buck, I’ve almost been run off the road several times this month already by runners in straining Spandex whose New Year’s resolution was to run five miles a day. Blinded by sweat and crazed with fatigue, they can chug right into your Toyota and never look back to see what they’ve hit.
And if you dare to join a gym right now, prepare yourself. You’ll be run over by flabby mid-lifers in Lulu Lemon tights shoving past you, biceps swaying, to get to the weight machines and treadmills. They haven’t exercised in 30 years, but by golly, they’re gonna shape up this month so get out of their way!
Every gym is the same from January through the end of February. The place will be jam packed with “committed” exercisers. Then, about March 1, the new gym rats will remember there’s a cheese cake in Mama’s freezer, and suddenly you’ll have the place to yourself again.
On this note, my sister-in-law told me that her daughter had joined a gym this month. “She’s really committed this time,” she said.
No, I thought. “Really committed” is doing a full-out aerobics routine in August with no air conditioning. In January it’s just wishful thinking. But I replied, “Great.”
Another potential threat this month is the After-Christmas Sale, where you will be run over by shoppers in still more Spandex, which they think makes them faster. Venturing into a store will get you a mortal wound from the flying elbows of some woman digging for the last half- priced Salad Slinger in the western hemisphere.
Hey, a salad isn’t worth a broken rib that pierces your lung. Just stay at home until the sales frenzy is over. The salad frenzy will also end in about a month (remember that cheese cake in the freezer?) and you won’t even need a Salad Slinger.
In Mississippi we aren’t usually at great risk of weather-related injuries in this winter month, but this year could be different. We could get the Snow of the Century, and you know Mississippians can’t drive in ice and snow, but we see it so seldom that we’ll all hit the road to try it out. “Hey, Bubba, what does black ice look like? —- Oops!”
I don’t know about you, but as much as I want to slow life down, I’ll be glad in a few weeks to wave bye-bye— biceps swaying despite my resolution to lift weights in 2024— to this most deadly month of the year.
