T’is the Season to be Jolly, but my feelings are a little hurt this year because no one has asked me to display my home on a Holiday Tour of Homes.
I don’t think there was a tour in the county this year, but it’s a great Southern tradition in which scores of women who can’t figure out any other way to do so pay $10 each for the privilege of snooping around in other women’s houses and checking out their closets.
Then they get back together over refreshments and compare notes.
“Wasn’t that the sweetest little kitchen?”
“Yes, really, uh, cozy!”
“It is just such a cute, cozy little house. It’s just lovely!”
TRANSLATION: “That’s the tiniest kitchen we’ve ever seen, but what can you expect in a house this small? We’re just glad we’ve had a chance to compare it to ours, which are MUCH bigger!”
Having a house on the tour means you go all out to clean and rearrange your house, buy new furniture, put up Christmas decorations in every room, festoon your mantels with greenery (whatever festooning is) and put out bowls of potpourri and light scented candles to create what is called “ambiance.” One friend of mine reported that she had almost killed herself preparing to host one of these tours, and she had spent several hundred dollars on ambiance.
Houses are singled out for the tour because of their size, newness or antiquity and the beauty of the decor. Owners take groups through their homes pointing out special touches, giving the histories of antique pieces and highlighting Christmas decorations.
Then why hasn’t my house been chosen for a tour? My house isn’t so tiny that the ladies couldn’t squeeze in, it’s somewhere between new and antique, and I have decor. Sort of. I could point out its many unique features.
While I’m not willing to kill myself decorating, I might be willing to injure myself slightly, and I have $11.73 left in my checking account that I could spend on ambiance, though I would have to convince my husband that ambiance tastes like bacon and can be served with biscuits.
I’ve even prepared a commentary so that you can see why my house should be included. Here’s what I would say:
“Welcome to our home! Sorry to bring you through the backdoor, but the dogs are staked out at the front door, and the little one will have that rope chewed in two in about five seconds. Step lively!
“You’ll notice the boxes piled here by the laundry room. Those contain the Christmas decor, which I absolutely meant to festoon around before your visit today. You are welcome to open the boxes and help with the festooning for no extra charge!
“Here is the kitchen, which you’ll notice looks almost unused! The fire extinguishers my husband has placed around the counters lend a festive touch of red and come in handy on those rare occasions when I...literally... fire up the stove.
“No, lady! Don’t take that fuzzy brown thing out of the refrigerator! We’re keeping it in custody until the HAZMAT team comes to remove it!
“Now, just step through to the dining room. Yes, that table is authentic Early Marriage style. On it I’ve displayed my collection of credit card offers, letters for my ‘Do Something about This Soon’ folder, a warranty for the new pooper-scooper and a sheet of winning recipes from the Fun with Beanie-Weenies cooking competition. I would have cleaned them off the table for the tour, but that would have destroyed my household management system.
“On to the den, which you’ll notice I festooned a few weeks ago with the last of the chrysanthemums. I was practicing my festooning for the tour, but I really need to get those out, don’t I? Brown isn’t the best Christmas color.
“And please, ladies, just step over that wet spot there in the hall. We’re working really hard on that dog’s manners, but so far... At least she seems to have been headed for the door this time.
“What? No, that little pile on the stairs is NOT potpourri. As I said, we’re working really hard with that dog, but . . . Ladies! Where are you going? I haven’t taken you through all the festooning and ambiancing I did upstairs yet! What about the closet peeking and general snooping? And you haven’t seen my cozy little bathroom that I ambianced with all those Bugs Away candles. We haven’t had our refreshments! You haven’t met the other dog yet— his bark is terrifying, but his manners are very nice! Come back!”
Oh well, if my guests ran off it would be more Rice Krispy treats and Beanie Weenie Delight for me, I guess.
But getting all the treats to myself won’t make up for the disappointment of the whole tour being omitted this season just to keep me off of it. Well, there’s always next Christmas.
Better start festooning for it now!
