Mother’s Day almost slipped up on me this month, and I had to rush to buy a card and get it to my last surviving aunt in time for the day honoring wonderful mothers, grandmothers and aunts.
If you aren’t an early card buyer, you may miss out on the best ones because Mother’s Day is traditionally the top card- buying holiday of the year.
I almost did this column for Mother’s Day two weeks ago, because the book I’m suggesting that you put under your reading lamp, White Oleander by Janet Fitch, is about a mother-daughter relationship, which would have been timely.
But the mother in the book, Ingrid Magnusen, couldn’t be praised in a sentimental Mother’s Day card unless you were very forgiving and could overlook almost everything she did as your mom.
You probably couldn’t even find a Mother’s Day card for a mother like Ingrid because none of the typical warm and fuzzy endearments on such cards apply to this character. You would have to find a card that said “Happy Mother’s Day to My Biological Mother” on the outside and “I’m thankful to have survived you” on the inside.
Our typical image of a mother is that of a warm, smiling woman whose life is completely devoted to her children. She is wise, loving and nurturing. When we think of her, a halo appears around her head. She is Marmee from Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women.
But many mothers are not Marmee. We all know those flawed moms who can never put their children’s lives ahead of their own. Ingrid is a mother who brings confusion and selfishness into the life of her child rather than love and security.
Ingrid and her 12-year-old daughter Astrid live in Hollywood, Calif., land of dreams, but for Astrid, it is more a land of nightmares.
Ingrid is a poet whose grip on reality seems tenuous at best. She is more narcisist than concerned Mommy. But Astrid’s only knowledge of motherhood is Ingrid’s aloof and detached brand of mothering so Astrid tries to love her despite the chaos Ingrid brings into their lives.
The poisonous white oleander plant that flourishes in the dry, desert-like atmosphere of the LA area becomes a symbol of the atmosphere around Ingrid.
Ingrid herself, with the pale blond hair and the white skin of her Nordic ancestors, is the poisonous white oleander in every life she touches. When she decides to kill her ex-boyfriend, she plans to poison him with oleander and eventually does murder him, without any concern for her child’s welfare afterwards.
When Ingrid is sent to prison, Astrid is immediately thrown into the foster care system. Her first placement is in a trailer park with a woman named Starr, who talks Astrid into becoming a “Christian” but is far from being the Christian she claims to be herself. After Starr’s boyfriend rapes Astrid, Starr becomes jealous and shoots the now13-year-old girl.
Astrid lives but is then moved from foster home to foster home, being constantly let down, betrayed and physically injured until she turns to drug use and other dangerous behaviors, vainly seeking guidance for life from the flawed people around her.
The story brings out the weaknesses in America’s foster system as each foster placement draws Astrid deeper into mental and emotional breakdown while her mother writes her letters from prison guilting Astrid for not being more supportive of “your poor loving mother.”
Yet as Astrid grows toward adulthood, the experiences she lives through, the self-reliance she must develop and the insights she gains from pain and the people she meets eventually bring her to self-discovery and a more hopeful maturity.
In the end Astrid is able to break away from her mother emotionally to some degree, though she is still drawn to Ingrid’s powerful personality and to the invisible bond between mothers and daughters, no matter how flawed the relationship.
Though I didn’t want to taint your sweet Mother’s Day reflections with this book right before the day, I do highly recommend that you train your reading lamp on it soon. Though it is fiction, its situation is unfortunately true for many mothers and children. White Oleander is a beautifully written, lyrical and insightful novel that explores both the negative and the positive approaches to motherhood.
Published in 1999, it was chosen as an Ophrah’s Book Club selection and became an immediate best seller. Borrow it from your library, or buy online for between $4 and $10 dollars unless you require a new hardback copy at full price.
